We’re different, but not that different.

Let's start with a blanket statement: diversity, equity, and inclusion can just be words and not a political statement. I would venture to guess that most people probably don't have an issue with the idea of diversity, the principles of equity, or the concept of inclusion. After all, most of us don't identify as being racist or bigoted. We treat others as equals to the best of our ability and believe we should be treated similarly. We are also kind to others and don’t try to exclude anyone. We all can probably even agree that inequality is real even when it isn't on purpose. We can see it when we drive through “the rough part" of any city. We feel it when we volunteer at a soup kitchen. We hear it when we listen to people's stories...

...do we hear it when we listen to people's stories? Or do we dismiss the stories and their tellers? Write them off as too sensitive? Biased? Out-of- touch?

We know everyone has different experiences otherwise we'd all have the same opinions and the same beliefs. We’d read the same books, have the same education, the same outcomes. It makes sense when we think about it. A teacher took an interest in you and that changed your life trajectory. Maybe a neighbor helped you fix your car and told you a story that sparked some other interest. Not all experiences are positive, maybe you were fired from a job or run off from your workout group. Maybe someone was unkind to you or didn't show you grace. Perhaps you went to church every Sunday or maybe your family wasn't religious? Our experiences are unique to each of us and are the mechanism behind not only what we believe about the world, but also how we think about the world.

So, when did we stop believing other people when they say they feel slighted, or alienated, "less then." when did we stop caring?

I don't think we did any of those things. I think we just stopped doing something much more basic that we collectively agree is an important thing: listening to understand instead of listening to respond.

How many of us have been reminded of this when our lives hit the rough spots? How many times have we heard someone we care about tell us that they don't feel understood? Or seen? Or heard? How many of us have been given lessons on listening by couples therapists when we're trying to save our marriages? Or the relationship with our parents? Or our kids? Our friends? Let's be honest, we're all human. We are hard-wired for empathy when we hear a story, but we're also hard-wired to create generalizations based on all of our years of experience living on planet Earth. Don’t worry about it. It happens. Or, it "happened," I suppose we could say. It's in the past - a past we cannot change. It has become yet another life experience. We can only reflect on it and (hopefully) learn from it. We choose whether we shrink from it or grow.

In fact, I think there is magic in this universal human experience. I think it can be the catalyst that brings us back together from the "sides" in which we stand. Collectively, we need to remember that we're human and that we make mistakes. Can we give each other some grace to do that? Can we be humble enough to own our piece and apologize? Can we "love thy neighbor" again and mean it? Can we practice listening to understand and continue trying after we fail?

Of course we can. The real question is: where on earth do we start?

Let’s start by dusting off a trusty staple of the business world. Something not considered divisive, and almost universally touted as being legitimately good advice not only for business, but for life. Stephen Covey’s The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Read the whole thing if you have the time but pay particular attention to Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Even more importantly, pay attention to the first half. I think it’s best summed up as “listening to understand, instead of listening to reply.” It’s also called empathetic listening. Then, let’s get better at it the only way we get better at anything: practice. We need to intentionally make time to have tough conversations and actively practice the skill. Maybe it’s just 30 minutes per week. Maybe more, but hopefully not less. Start in the safest place that you can: with your friends and family. We need to make tough conversations a part of our lives again. Not yelling at each other across the aisle, or across the dinner table. Covey argues that we can practice this all the time, and indeed we can, but I think making time to talk about tough topics can help us to be more mindful about how we are listening in more irregular and volatile situations, too.

Good leadership and sound viewpoints are not correlated to the volume of your voice or the imperviousness of your stance. Neither is good partnership, good friendship, good neighborship, or good citizenship.

It will be difficult, especially at first. Our blood pressure will rise and our hearts will race. We’ll think, “How can they think that? This is obvious, why can’t they see it?” I assure you, they’ll think that about you, too. Then, let’s take the rest of the week to reflect on how we did. To apologize for raising our voices, using unkind words, and making assumptions. To repair what we might have damaged. Rinse, and repeat.

Getting better at something doesn’t happen by hoping it gets better, it involves repetition and practice. How well we do isn’t the point, the point is to do it anyways so we can improve and develop a skill we can use in our everyday lives. Can we do our best to put our egos and individual desires to be right aside and practice that skill? Improving at something first involves accepting that we have room for improvement. It involves the discomfort of accepting that we might be doing things wrong, sometimes repeatedly, and still committing to the process of getting better. The alternative to trying to improve, is to remain obstinate. To reject discomfort in favor of comfort, and to live in a world in which the viewpoints and experiences of others are less important than our own. All of us would prefer to remain comfortable. You aren’t a bad person for wanting that, too.

So, how does a forum that encourages us to practice listening to understand by regularly facilitating and discussing difficult discussions promote diversity? In short, it doesn’t. It simply helps to create a culture in which we can better consider the diverse experiences of others. A culture in which people can feel safe having differing viewpoints, exploring those viewpoints, and maybe sometimes changing those viewpoints. A culture where we can more readily accept that, yes, we’re all different… but we’re not that different. When we can listen to others without jumping to conclusions about what we think they mean, or what we think is legitimate, we make people feel equal, included, and heard. We also make better decisions and form more robust opinions. We simply become more compassionate and empathetic people, and that promotes the ideas of diversity, inclusion, and equity in a way that can unite us, instead of divide us.

This is not the only thing to do, or the key to fixing what broken. It’s just a suggestion for a place we can start. When we finally listen to one another, truly hear one another, there is nothing we can’t fix. Together.